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Dating Advice
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Advice... we could all use some now and then, especially when it comes to
dating. "Should I wear this?" or "Should I take her there?" Questions we hear
all the time, but then again we are the experts and it's our job to answer those
questions! So, here is our advice for all your dating woes. Some may find it
funny, some may find it true, you choose...
In's Out's & Five Minutes Ago
So you think you know it all when it comes to the hippest new dating trends do
you? Well, we're pretty sure that we know all there is to know about dating and
relationships and what's hot now. Here are this month's In's Out's & Five
Minutes Ago...
Dating Debate
So you're a little confused about dating? It's nothing to be ashamed of. Hello,
if you knew everything then you wouldn't need us, would you? Well, this is a new
section so we'll explain how it works. Every month we'll post a question
submitted by you guys and the response from our Dating Guru's. Pretty simple,
huh?
Dating Humor
Jokes, Quotes, and Random Advice
-My brain is my second favorite organ. -Woody Allen.
-A man must be potent and orgasmic to ensure the future of the race. A woman only
needs to be available. -Masters & Johnson.
-For a woman to be loved, she usually ought to be naked. -Pierre Cardin.
-Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. -Groucho Marx
Advice to the Young Virgin Bride
We all know at the turn of the century,
sex was still taboo; hello, that's common knowledge. Well, Mr. Smarty Pants, do
you know what the church instructed young, virgin brides to do on their wedding
nights? The following is a reprint from The Madison Institute Newsletter,
Fall Issue, 1894:
INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE
On the Conduct and Procedure of the Intimate and Personal
Relationships of the Marriage State for the Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this
Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God by Ruth Smythers. Spiritual Guidance
Press New York City
To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper
upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most
terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself,
in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring
ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her
needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding
night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the
first time the terrible experience of sex.
At this point, dear reader,
let me concede one shocking truth. Some young women actually anticipate the
wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A
selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One
cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM,
AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage
could become an orgy of sexual lust.
On the other hand, the bride's
terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather
painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of
time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced
through it.
It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon
the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one
who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of
begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the
average man.
Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day.
The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly
during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every
effort to reduce this frequency. Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are
among the wife's best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and
bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour
before the husband would normally commence his seduction.
Clever wives
are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the
amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced
sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to
once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage.
By their tenth
anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have
achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband.
By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures
to hold the husband in the home.
Just as she should be ever alert to
keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal
attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by
nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a
variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others
performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and
offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.
Nudity, talking
about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting
or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if
permitted. A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see
her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her.
Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness.
Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves
and pajamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They
need not be removed during the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.
Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she
should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into
the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction, lest he take
this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is
always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can
use as an excuse to deny him sexual access.
When he finds her, the wife
should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted
as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband.
If he attempts to kiss
her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls
harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should
make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she
should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce
that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to
kiss in the forbidden territory.
If the husband attempts to seduce her
with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial
non-sexual question to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation
going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time. Eventually, the husband
will learn that if he insists on having sexual contact, he must get on with it
without amorous embellishment.
The wise wife will allow him to pull the
gown up no farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front of his
pajamas to thus make connection. She will be absolutely silent or babble about
her housework while he's huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie
perfectly still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act
is in progress.
As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise
wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform
on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from
the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must
insure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he
might be encouraged to soon try for more.
One heartening factor for
which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband's home, school,
church, and social environment have been working together all through his life
to instill in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so
that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame,
already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and
relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her
husband's desire for sexual expression."
A Poem Before Bed
We've all prayed for the perfect man at least once in our lives... If your
prayers aren't coming true, try this poem before bed...
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I
pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One whose will is thick and long.
We seem to have a theme going here?
One who think before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't
wait a week.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend
his cash wont be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door, massages
my back and begs for more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my
mind,
Knows just what to say when I ask,
How big is my behind?
One who will make love till my body's a twitchin'.
In the hall, the
loo, the garden and kitchen.
And pray that this man will love me no end.
And never attempts to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray
by my bed.
I look at this *&#% head you sent me instead.
Amen .
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